so... i was with alex... T.T and i should have listened to the people around me. i fell for someone who would never fall for me. and that was a completely stupid thing to do. i care about him a lot and think he is a really sweet guy but... we are really not meant to be. it took me a lot of heartache and loss of friends and closer then friends to realize that...but i finally did...

however... that doesnt matter anymore because i have gotten back with mira. i never lost all the feelings i had for her and she waiting till the beginig of june to ask me out and i could never be happier. i love her with all my fucking heart and know she loves me the same. everytime im with her i feel like just never wanting to die and just wanting to live forever in her arms. and no, i cant say that for ANYTHING in my life.

we've loved eachother for a verylong time and i dont wnat to lose her again, plus im tired of being broken down. and i know she will not do that to me. shes the most amazing PERSON i have ever met and gone out with and i want to spend the rest of my life with her.........so i asked her to marry me... yeah thats right.

and she said....

YES

so when she turns 18 i am going to marry her! im so fucking excited its not even funny. i love her with every fucking bit of my little piece of crap heart and would give her the universe if it was possible to be gathered by such a small person as me... or by anyone for that matter. she is my EVERYTHING and im afraid that i would die without her.

try to take her away and i will kick ur ass!

im living with my dad now due to the fact that my mom and myfamily were having problems. everyone wants to have a new start now so i am here where i didnt want to be. i mean... its my senior year... i dont want to start new at a new school in a new town.... but i have to. the good thing is.... my baby girl is only a half hour away! i jsut saw her today and stayed at her house and it was amazing.

so yeah.. ive gone through a lot of couceling and am on two new meds! go me! -.- but hopefully it will all be worth it in the end. i wanted to go back to my old school for the rest of the year after im 18 but idk if i want to now. i dont want to leave my baby...

anyways.... so thats where ive been and wats happened. kinda. talk to me?

         My palms turn moist. There’s so much moisture in them I think that I’d have enough water to last me a week in the desert. But it wasn’t hot here. My nerves were getting higher and higher and my patience was fading. Five hours in this stupid hospital. How much longer could it be?

Doctor Smith came into the waiting room and walked slowly toward her mom and me. His hands on his hips and a sad frown on his face.

“Mrs. Luke may I please talk to you in private?”

Katie’s mom stood up from the seat, clutching a tissue box and walks behind Dr. Smith to the other side of the waiting room to a deserted corner to talk in private.

I look down as they start to talk slowly and take a long stare at my converse. The rims of them caked in mud when I had to carry Katie home from the lake. If she hadn’t have passed out, we wouldn’t be here. We would still be at the lake, laughing and throwing rocks at our lake castles we made.

There’s a loud shriek from across the room and I look up to see that Mrs. Luke is hysterical. This couldn’t be good at all. Just seeing Katie’s mom like that made hot tears start to pour from my eyes. I stood up and walked hastily over to them.

“What’s going on?” I demand.

Dr. Smith shakes his head and holds his clipboard to his chest. His eyes also starting to water a little bit. “You may go in and see her now.” He says shortly before going back into the lab.

I look up at Mrs. Luke and begin to cry harder as she covers her face and empties her tears into her palms. I take her hand and hold it tight in mine and look her in the blood red eyes. “Can we go see her now?”

Mrs. Luke nods and then walks me over to the door. We walk through the swinging doors and into the emergency room. Katie is the third curtain on the right. Its pulled shut but we can hear her softly coughing.

Mrs. Luke steps past me and pulls open the curtain, sliding inside and sitting in the only chair inside, pulling it close to Katie’s chair. I walk inside the curtain as well and step in front of the bed, putting my hands on the bed frame and looking at her worriedly.

Katie watches us without knowing what is going on. “Is everything okay? And why am I in the hospital again?”

Mrs. Luke chokes a little bit on her own spit as she tries to explain to Katie. “You, you passed out and…your cancer…its not improving. It’s…it’s spread through more of your body and…they…” She completely breaks down, not even breathing anymore but wheezing worriedly. I bite at my bottom lip and try not to totally break down as well.

Katie watches and takes her moms hand tight in hers. “What is it mom?”

Mrs. Luke shakes her head and puts her forehead down to Katie’s hand, resting on it and bawling as she finishes. “You’re not expected to live past next month.”

Katie’s eyes widen. Even she wasn’t ready for this. And I definitely wasn’t.

At this comment, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I completely broke down and made a really high-pitched scream as I ran out of the curtain and into a visitor’s bathroom.

Katie looks up at her mom and starts to feel her eyes fill with tears. “Next month?” She asks shakily.

It was about three in the morning when I finally shoved my key into the keyhole of my front door and pushed it open. Tears still in my eyes, I shut the door with a soft click. All the lights were turned off except one lonely lamp in the living room but that one had been on since I was five.

I turned around to head up the stairs to my room but stopped when I heart a voice behind me.

“How did things go honey? Is Katie alright?” My mom asks.

I look over into the living room to see that My mom and dad are sitting on the couch with our cat, staring at me eagerly to see how things went. Too tired and sad to explain and really not in the mood for another breakdown, I turn on my heal and run up to my room without saying anything to my parents. Katie was like their second daughter but at the moment, all I wanted to do was go into my room, lock myself in and blast some screamo music. It was the only way I could pretend that life wasn’t realistic.

As soon as I get to my room I slam the door and jump head first onto my bed, pulling all the covers and hello kitty stuffed animals I could get into my face, crying as hard as I could. The sound muffled by all the fabric and stuffing.

After what seemed like years of crying, I turned on my ipod and stuck the pods into my ears, turning on Bullet For My Valentine and blasting it at top level, sliding under the covers fully clothed and closing my wet eyes. A quivering breath and a shaking body slowly drifted to sleep as I remembered all the things the doctor said about Katie before we left. More tears drifted down my cheeks and my eyes begin to shut tighter until I fell into a deep sleep.

I woke to Garret sitting on my bedside staring at me and smiling weakly. His face pressed up against my cheek as I finally opened my eyes and looked up at him. “Hey baby how long have you been here?”

Garret stands up and looks down at my alarm clock. “About three hours. No biggie.”

I giggle and sit up in bed, taking the pods out of my ears and looking up at him with a smile. “I probably look like shit right now huh?” I giggle again.

Garret smiles but shakes his head looking around the room. “How’s Katie?”

I look down at my hands and start to tear up again. Damnit, I was just beginning to think everything was just a bad dream. Why did he have to ruin it? I look away out the window to see the sun is beaming as bright as it has in months. “Well…I push my legs off the side of my bed that is closet to the window and walk over to it, putting my hands on the sides of the window frame and looking out. “She would have wanted to go to the lake again today. I don’t think that’s possible. She wont be out of the hospital ever again…”

Garret’s eyes go wide and his mouth falls open. I can’t see him but I’ve known him long enough to know what he does. I look down as more tears force their way through my eyelids even though I thought I was done crying for like, the rest of my life. It’s like dry heaving but with your eyes, I thought.

I feel arms wrap around my waist and I break down more, turning around and burring my head in his collar bone, holding him tightly to me as I begin to sob. How embarrassing. But totally worth it. I mean…Katie is my best friend. I’d do anything for her. Anything!

“Are you going back over to the hospital today?” He asks.

I nod and let go of him looking over at my stuff and getting into my walk-in closet, picking out what I was gonna wear for the day. The usual black skinnies and a black tank. I put the clothes onto my arm and walk out of my closet and into my room looking at Garret as he stares at me. “What?”

He shakes his head and looks away. “So we’re probably not up for a movie tonight then huh?”

I bit my lip. I hate turning him down. After all he is my boyfriend and its not like I see him at school. It’s not often that you see a freshman in collage at a high school. Even if they’re dating a junior. “Probably not…” I sigh sadly and hug him with the clothes still in my arms. “I’m really sorry Garret I just have to be there for-” He lets go and cuts me off walking towards the door.

“Yeah I know. Have a good time.” With that he leaves my room and I hear the front door slam shut shortly after. I look in my doorway to see my mom with a hamper full of clothes, staring at me with tears in her eyes and dark rings along her eye sockets. She didn’t get much sleep again.

I sigh and walk past her and into the bathroom, shutting the door and locking it, standing up against the lumber I begin to cry again and scream in anger. My best friends dying, my boyfriend’s mad at me and I can’t stop crying. What has happened with my life?

The hospital smell was still as musky as it was yesterday. I was the only one in the room with Katie when I went in. Her “roommate” in the room was in surgery and her mom was at work. I had bought all the good looking food from the cafeteria and brought it up to her.

“The food here sucks! They need to have like, panda express or something.” Katie jokes.

I giggle and drink from my juice box, looking at her and smiling. “Or how bout they just get Mickie D’s!” I lick my lips at the thought.

Katie giggles and puts down the rock they called a cookie. “Yeah, I’m going to die anyways I might as well die happy.”

She laughs but I don’t. Instead I look down at my hands and sigh sadly.

She sighs as well and looks at me. “Don’t bring down the mood Liz. Things are going to happen. We cant control natural diseases.”

I look up at her and bite down hard on my bottom lip feeling a little bit of blood leak into my mouth. Tears trying to form in my eyes but I push them away. “Has Todd been here to see you?”

“No, he’s probably busy with football or something.” She says looking down at her hands.

I cringe. “Your boyfriend makes me sick.” I giggle.

She smiles and looks up at me. “Cuz he’s a jock?”

I nod and giggle with her as we both look up at the television.

“OH MY GOD!” She screams the same time as I do as our favorite TV show, Invader Zim comes on. “GIR!” we dance a little in our own little weird way as Gir comes onto the theme song of our show.

“Come and lay by me and we’ll watch this.” She tells me tapping the sheets next to her.

“Oh come on I cant fit there I’m much fatter then that.” I say as I slide up and sit next to her on the bed tilting our necks to the television.

After about six hours of Invader Zim we finally realize where the time went and look out the window to see that its already dark out. “Oh my god, look at the stars!” Katie points out with a smile on her face. I get up and go over to the window looking closer at them. “They’re beautiful.” She says.

A shooting star shoots across the sky and sends a spark line of light across the dark. My eyes follow it as it soars across the sky.

“Oh my god, you got a shooting star make a wish!”

I bite my lip and look at her, then down at the bed. “Okay, I wish that I was the one with cancer and you didn’t so you wouldn’t have to suffer.”

Katie looks at me with a half serious face and half a giggle. “Dude, that’s impossible and plus, your not supposed to say your wish out loud so now it wont come true.”

I look down at my stuff and swing my bag over my shoulder. “Yeah well wishes are fake anyways. Nothing ever comes true when you wish on a shooting star.”

Katie looks at me deeply. “Now that’s not true and you know it. Remember two summers ago I wished for rain and two minutes later out of no where there was rain.”

I giggle remembering that summer. “But if you remember correctly, my brother had turned on the sprinkler and was spraying it over us to make it seem like rain.” We both giggle and then I look back outside. The stream of light still up in the sky.

There’s a short awkward silence and then I turn to her and walk over to the bed giving her a hug. “Well, I’ve got to get going. Its already 11 and I still have to go home and eat dinner.”

Katie bites her lip and hands me the hard rock cookie. “You can have this.”

I take it and giggle with her. “Gee thanks.” Another hug and I slowly walk towards the door.

“Liz?” Katie says after me.

I turn around and look at her with tears dwelling in my eyes.

“Pray for me?” Katie asks quietly. I almost didn’t hear her, but I could read her lips and her facial expressions. There was no joking here. I nod and hold in my tears, turning around and holding my hand up to my mouth, walking out and breaking down a little as I hit the waiting room, running out to my car and letting everything I had been holding in, out. Before I got into the drivers seat I just gave myself a little bit of time to just cry.

I start up the truck and pull it out of the parking lot, looking up at the sky at the slowly fading line against the black of the sky. It was still there. The paranormal part of my mind took over and I actually believed that my wish could possibly come true. What if it did? I laugh myself out of thought and turn back to reality. Yeah right.

School the next day was terrible. I kept being stopped by my classmates and being asked where Katie was. Most of them being Todd’s friends waiting for their homework she was paid to do for them. I didn’t feel bad for them in the slightest considering they were failing a class…and yet they didn’t care that she was on her deathbed.

It was also hard tracking down Todd. He was always busy with some kinda sport before and after school and always in the weight room at lunch. I wasn’t allowed in the weight room after last year’s incident with the bench press.

The only time I really saw Todd during the day was when him and Katie we sucking tongue up against their lockers between fourth and fifth period. I doubt he would be there waiting for her if she didn’t show up to school. But then again, how would he know. It was worth a try.

After fourth period I quickly ran down to Katie’s locker but Todd wasn’t there. Thinking fast I turned around and sped walked out of the main hallway and down a side hall to Todd’s locker where I saw him standing against it with one of the cheerleaders next to him. I didn’t recognize her but I knew that one thing was for sure and they were standing WAY too close.

Fury heated up my face and I knew for sure it was turning red by now but I went over to Todd still, folding my arms and glaring at him, clearing my throat loudly to interrupt their conversation.

Todd sees me and quickly panics. I was defiantly not his favorite person. “Yes Liz?”

I cock my head and look at the cheerleader. “Who’s this?”

Todd looks at the girl and puts his arm around her shoulder. “My girlfriend Sara.”

My jaw drops and my eyes start to tear up. “You do know your REAL girlfriend…you know KATIE…is in the hospital right now, DYING!” I yell in anger, clenching tightly to my fists.

Todd looks down and sighs. “I have to leave her Liz, I can’t take that emotional stress and right before football. If I’m all stressed out my game wont be good and I’ll be kicked off the team.”

I shake my head and feel my teeth crack as they grind together. “And…you do know…she won’t make it through the month…”

He nods and looks at his new girlfriend, taking her hand and kissing it.

My jaw drops and I can’t take it anymore. Out of no where I feel my arm shoot out of my body and sock Todd right in the eye socket, making him fly down to the tile floor, I come over to him still in a conscious rage and start kicking the shit out of him. I wasn’t that strong with my fists but if I kicked you…man you’d hurt for a long time.

I heard someone screaming curses, and figured out it was me. It didn’t sound like me but I still said them and the chants went on as I continued to kick at Todd as his girlfriend watched, not knowing what to do.

My hair started falling out of the lip I had it in and I started breathing deeply. That’s what kicked me out of the “trans”. I finally stopped kicking him and then bent down as he covered his bleeding nose and glared up at me. “She was waiting for you all night.” I say angrily and kick him one last hard time, walking away with my backpack over one shoulder.

I felt like I still needed to release some of my anger but much more and I’m sure I’d get expelled. That is, if someone witnessed it. There’s no way in hell he’s gonna tell everyone that a girl beat him up. And I was glad. I guess his “macho-ness” served as a cover.

As I begin to walk home though, I feel a sharp pain race up my front. Starting from my stomach I feel it slither through my ribs and into my chest finally reaching my heart. An unbearable pain causes me to scream out without thinking and in front of everyone waiting for their parents to pick them up from school, I pass out right there on the sidewalk, taking the ground hard and hitting my head on the concrete.

Waking up hurt the most. I looked around and saw that I was in a hospital room but there were wires and tubes everywhere. What the hell happened? I felt like I couldn’t move. Like I was tied into this stupid bed with IV’s and plastic wiring. I tried to move but not much progress on that. All I could do was turn my head and when I did, I almost pissed myself.

My mom, dad, two brothers, and Garret were all sitting around me, staring at me. Most likely waiting for me to wake up. “Hey,” I say weakly. Apparently my voice was going away too. Damn.

Everyone jumps a little, not knowing that I was awake. My mom runs over to my side and grabs my hand kissing it and crying onto it. I look at her in confusion and then look around. Everyone was crying.

“Look guys I’m alright…” I say trying to sit up but cringing.

Garret comes over to my other side and grabs my hand, holding in his tears. He could do this for hours. I’ve seen him do it before.

My mind felt like those 20 question balls only not 20 more like 100. “What is going on?” I ask, looking back at my father. There’s no way my mother could talk at the moment.

My dad looks down and then steps forward a little. “You, you have cancer.” He says as casually as he can, but I can still hear the slight quivering in his voice.

This sets my mom off more and she begins to sob, walking into the bathroom and shutting the door. I look around with wide eyes. “No, there’s no way. I was fine this morning. I was fine last week…” I could feel my fear, but yet I felt so calm as well.

My older brother Mark holds Travis (the two year old) close to him and cries into his shoulder, shielding his face away from me so I can’t see. I’ve never seen my brother cry before and here he was, crying. Tears begin to fill my eyes as well and I look up at Garret, seeing that he’s still trying to hold them in.

Holding tighter onto his hand, I bite down hard on my lip and almost start to cry but look up to see the door has opened and Katie walks in. Normal clothes and walking just fine.

A terrified look spreads on her face and she looks at my family. “May I talk to Liz for a moment alone please?” She asks.

My dad wants to argue but he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t dare do that to Katie. Instead he stands up and guides my brothers out of the room. I look up at Garret and blow him a kiss. He leans down and barely touches me. “I’m going to work. I wont be back in.” With that he leaves the room and shuts the door.

Katie begins to talk but I put my hand up to my lips and point to the bathroom. My mom slowly opens the door and peeks her head out. “My bad, hand on guys.” She vanishes again and I hear an elephant blow its guts out into a tissue. The sound of crying is so sad and yet that noise always makes me giggle. I can’t help myself.

My mother slowly walks out of the bathroom and waves her hand in apology, shutting the door and locking it. I’m so glad I didn’t have a neighbor in this room.

Katie walks her way over to the window and looks out it as she begins to talk. “Take it back.” She says faintly.

I look over at her in confusion. “What back?”

She turns around; I can see tears in her eyes too now. “Take back the wish.”

I think for a moment and then remember. “The star?”

She nods and puts her hands on her face, wiping off the tears and then looking at me again.

“Why would I have to take away-”

“Cause it really did come true okay. You have my cancer now. Take it back!”

My face goes blank and I can’t help but laugh a little. “Katie, those wishes are bullshit. They’re a myth parents made up cuz they were bored and wanted their kids to believe and look forward to something. It wasn’t real.”

Katie shuffles in her shoes and looks at me after a frustrated sigh. “Then how do you explain you getting cancer and me getting rid of it? I had a month to live… and now its completely gone! That doesn’t happen!”

“Why the hell do you want it anyway? Don’t you want to live more then a month?”

Katie begins to cry more and throws herself into one of the huge chairs in the room. “I’d rather take back the pain and the short time limit then have my best friend go through it alone.” There’s an awkward silence and we just stare that different objects in the room, trying to keep our tears in. “Take it back. TONIGHT.” She says, picking up her purse and walking out of the room.

My eyes can’t take it anymore and I finally completely break down, covering my face with a pillow and letting all the tears out. There’s no way this could be happening. Shooting stars aren’t real. But if this was real, Katie wasn’t suffering anymore.

I take the pillow down as it finally hits me. My best friend will live. I’ve taken away her pain. Even though this is a terrible thing since I am now dying, I smiled. A miracle has happened. I never thought I’d see the day.

“I refuse.” Crossing my arms I say this, persisting even after three weeks of living with the cancer. One week left and they were going to do anything they could to get me to last longer. But still, every time Katie asked me to take it back, I said the same thing. “I refuse.”

“Liz I’m not joking this time!” Katie yells at me.

“Katie stop! I’m not letting you go through this pain. I’m-” but I freeze as that shooting star leaves its mark against the sky again. Katie sees me looking and turns around shutting her eyes and mouthing some words.

“No!” I yell at her and try to get out of the bed to reach her but is pulled back by the sheets. Katie turns around and gives me a smirk.

“If you wouldn’t do it I would.” She says picking up her bag and leaving the room with a goodnight.

I grit my teeth and glare out the window at the streak of light. The light and dark contrasting together and making it seem like it would never fade. But as I lay there staring at the sky I saw that the colors began to blend and before too long the light was gone entirely.

The next day, I woke up again with more pain in my chest and in my head. The kinda pain they didn’t have painkillers for. I looked around and saw the usual. Or almost… my whole family had showed up like they always did. But this time, no Garret.

I sit up and look at my dad. “Where’s, where’s Garret?” I ask. The lump in my throat building up.

My dad looks down angrily and comes over to me. He runs his hand over my head and kisses my forehead taking my hand and looking deep in my eyes. He always did this when there was bad news coming. “There was an accident…”

“Yeah, dad whacked him one!” My older brother said from the other side of the waiting room, taking a moment after texting to say this.

I look up at my dad in horror. “What?!”

He bits his lip and glares at my brother. “I walked in on him with another girl… and…I hit him. You need to stay away from that boy.”

My mouth falls open and I look up at my crying mother. I shake my head and stare off at nothing, thinking about things. “Wow.” Is all I could get out of my mouth. I wanted to start bawling but I knew that couldn’t happen. My dad loved Garret. It must have made him really ticked off to make him punch him. Go dad. I laugh to myself and shrink more into my covers.

Just then a door opens and Katie comes in on a bed. We all watch in fear as the nurses glide her off of the bed and onto the bed in my room next to me. Katie’s my new roommate? I swallow hard. No… this can’t be happening again.

We all still watch in fear until the nurses are done and are leaving out the door then I shout out for them. “Hey, what’s wrong with Katie?”

One of the nurses turns around and looks at me sadly. “Her cancer came back.” She says, afraid herself and not knowing how this could happen again.

“How?” My dad asks.

She shrugs and I can see a faint sign of tears in her eyes. “I will let you guys know when we find out anything new though.” They start to leave again.

“Wait, one more thing…” I ask.

She turns around again and stares at me giving me a little nod of approval.

“How long does she have?” I ask.

The nurse bites her bottom lip and looks at me seriously. “A week.”

My heart and my whole family go down. Little whimpers from not wanting to cry get out all around us and we all look at my sleeping best friend in the bed next to mine.

The nurse leaves and the room goes even more silent. No one knows what to say nor wants to break the silence. How could this all be happening?

My dad stands up in slight anger and walks to the door.

“Honey, where are you going?” My mom asks him, holding her tissue high to her face for comfort.

“I’m going to have a little word with the doctor.” He says slamming the door on the way out. It didn’t matter how much my dad yelled. It wasn’t going to take the cancer away. This was it. Were we ready?

That night I woke up to my own scream mixing with Katie’s. We both sat up in bed for the nightly pain in our chests, looking at each other in fear. This was the first time I had seen Katie awake since she got in here.

I bit my lip and watched her with a slight glare. “Why did you do that?”

Her face turns ghostly as she looks at me. “I…I thought that it’d take away yours as well… it did that for you last time.”

I think about it. What is going on? It didn’t take it from me like it did her. She has a point. My head was pounding in my skull. I didn’t want to talk about this right now. The point was that we were both dying and didn’t have time to argue about it.

I look over at her to see her staring at me. “Are you alright?” I take my hand away from my chest as the pain stops a little more.

She nods and also removes her hands looking down at the sheets. “You know, I never thought it’d end like this.”

I looked over at her in confusion. Her face twisted into something that seemed to look like she was trying to keep back tears but was about to explode. But she didn’t. She was stronger then that. “What do you mean?” I asked, still staring at her face as she began to talk again.

“I didn’t think that I would get this bad. And not make it to even graduate. I had collage picked out and everything. And I mean…just a month ago, we were swimming at the lake. We were fine. Nothing to worry about. I knew I had this problem but I never knew that … it’d come back this fast. I mean… you know what I’m talking about? How could time go so slowly and yet end so fast?” She looks over at me and I begin to tear up.

Looking away I’m searching for an answer but cant find one either. “I don’t know…” I slowly admit to her and myself.

Katie sighs and then scoots down more into the covers, pulling them up to her chin and looking over at me. “Well, we should get some more sleep. We’ll want to wake up early for our family.”

I nod slightly. The motion triggers a pressure point in my eyes so I squint them shut, feeling hot water slowly drip down my cheeks and burn my skin as it goes down. The feeling of the first one brings more until finally I figure I cant take it anymore and just start to cry to myself, making sure its quiet so Katie cant hear me. Even at the end, I don’t want people hearing me cry. How pathetic.

The week went by rather slowly actually. I started waking up right when the sun came up around five thirty and went to bed around midnight. My family would come with Katie’s family every day, bringing our favorite movies and Invader Zim with them.

Laughs were shared and crying was also shared. But that had always been there. Katie and I had long conversations at night when our families had left about our childhood and our past and our friendship. One night we laughed so loud the nurse came in and told us to quiet down and that we were waking the patients. That was embarrassing but the smile never left from my face. Not deep into the night and early into the morning. I couldn’t stop smiling.

Then the day came. The last day. We went in early for our usual check ups but no improvements they could find. We were to be going that night. But that was just their estimate or as Katie called it a guess-tament. Nothing was for sure.

Mom and dad wanted to stay with us over night but the nurses wouldn’t let them. I don’t know exactly why but they wouldn’t let them stay the night in the room. It was weird. I think it’s a new thing or something to make less stress on the parents. But to me and everyone else that talked about it, it would have made more stress. But whatever you know?

That day was probably the worst. I knew I wasn’t gonna be looking forward to that day but this was way more then I had expected to come out of it.

My mother never left my side or took a breath from crying. Neither did my dad surprisingly. I think I have only seen my dad cry once and that was near the divorce twelve years ago. My parents almost got divorced but stayed together. He had cried every night and that’s the only real time I remember him crying before this.

My older and younger brother refrained from their video games and cell phone. It was amazing to me. I can hardly remember a time that they didn’t have them on them. Even when we went to the movies they were always tip tapping away at their electric devises. But not today. I don’t even think they brought them.

Katie’s family was also bawling their eyes out. Not at just Katie but also for me. Everyone in this room was like a big family. We had known the Luke’s for like, my whole life. Since I was five. They were the best people you could ever meet and just…family. I could never replace them for the world.

But alas, the family had to go at their usual time. Midnight. I didn’t want them to go and saying goodbye was the hardest thing ever. I couldn’t stop crying and this time I didn’t care who saw me. I didn’t want them to leave me alone for the last time.

Hugs and wishes that they would see me and Katie tomorrow were said over and over again. I couldn’t even imagine counting how many times they must have been said. Katie and I tried giving them hope. We tried telling them that it was just a guess that we wouldn’t make it to tomorrow but no one believed us.

I think that last day. That last hour was the hardest thing I had had to do in like, forever. But once they finally left, it seemed less real. It didn’t feel like this was my last night.

I tried to get to sleep but the pain was just unbearable. My eyelids were being irritated by all the dry tears plastered to them. My head started pounding and my eyes turned red again. I could feel the heat in them as I could feel myself beginning to cry again.

Katie rolled over in bed and looked over at me. “You awake?”

I rolled over and nodded, looking at her and trying not to keep my tears in but they were being stubborn at the moment.

“I can’t sleep.” She says to me in just above a whisper.

I nod. “I cant either.” I say, sitting up in bed and looking over at her. Her eyes glisten in the moonlight and I can see she’s crying as well. I reach over in my bag and pull out my travel recorder that I had used for interviews for school. Clearing off the information on the tape I look over at her. “Will you make one last tape for our families with me?” I stumble out hearing my voice quiver and shake from the word “last”.

She nods and gets out of her bed and walks over to mine, laying down next to me and resting her head on my shoulder as I turn it on.

I look over at her and smile. “Hey everyone…um, this is Liz and Katie.”

“Hi!” Katie says into the recorder in a happy voice as we giggle.

“We’re making this recording as a last…last word with everyone.” I stumble out. This was easier then I thought it would be. Probably cuz the thoughts were racing through my head of what was going on. “At first, I thought this would be really hard. Last words and all. But truthfully the hardest part was having everyone here when I was saying them before. I couldn’t get everything I wanted to say out in front of you all so I really hope you take in what I’m going to tell you now.”

Katie bites down hard on her lip and looks at me.

But before I go and ramble on for a while, I’m going to let Katie say the things she wants. So here you go, Katie Luke.” I had Katie the recorder and she awkwardly begins to say thanks and I love you’s to everyone she wants to. Her voice getting quivery as each I love you comes out of her mouth. After she had finished she handed me back the recorder and wiped her eyes.

I began to say my thanks to my family naming them off one by one and giving them a little speech as each one passed them. Then I moved on and did this to my friends.

Ending it with one big I love you I go to turn off the recorder but stop. “I just want to say one thing and I want to say it to my best friend sitting right next to me.” I look over at Katie and she looks at me in confusion, just starting to stop crying so much and wiping her eyes.

“Yes?” She asks.

“I just want to say…I’ve had a great life with you. Many laughs, personal jokes, good memories and a whole stack of pictures under my bed in a memory box. Every one of them meaning more then the world to me. And…” I begin to choke on my words as I start crying again. “I’m glad that if I have to go through this I’m going through it with you. And I’m glad I didn’t lose you.”

At this she breaks down and attacks me in a hug. There must have been at least ten minutes of crying on the recorder since I hadn’t turned it off. But between sobs she adds to the tape.

“And I’m glad I’m going through this with you as well. And you would never lose me. Even if you or I left before the other.”

More crying and then I finally pull back wiping at my eyes. “Well…” I say into the recorder laughing a bit. “We love you guys and you will never lose us. I’m glad I have someone to leave with and we’re glad you guys are gonna be here with the memory that we went out happily. We love you so much.” I take a few deep breathes then say goodbye into the tape and go to turn it off but don’t, putting it on the table and putting a blanket over it.

“Well, its time for bed I guess.” Katie says, getting up and walking over to her bed, laying down and crying a little into her pillow.

I smile over at her and lay down. “I love you kiddo.” I whisper over to her and see that she has just cried a little more.

She giggles and smiles at the name. “I love you too Sissy.” We both giggle at the names we had always called each other and then begin to close our eyes. I wait until she is completely asleep and then I reach for the recorder again putting it to my lips and whispering into it as I look out the window and see another shooting star. Making my last wish.

Our empty room filled with tears and sobs the next day. Our families had come in again but this time to pick up our stuff. Lying on my bed was the recorder with a note posted to it saying please listen.

“Honey,” my mom calls over to my dad. With wide eyes my dad comes over bringing Mr. and Mrs. Luke with him as they all look at the recorder in my mothers hands.

“Play it.” My dad says. My mother pushes her fingers onto the play button and it begins to play our voices.

Everyone starts bawling again as they listen to the tape but have smiles spread across their faces at moments when we were laughing. My mother bites down on her hand to keep from losing it as they all listen. When the tape seems to be done my mom drops it back to my bed and wraps her arms around my father’s neck, crying hard into him.

Then right out of no where as everyone was holding each other and crying, my voice comes back on causing everyone to look down at my bed in shock, listening to my voice and keeping calm.

“I just want one last thing for everyone to do. And that is…well…right at this moment, I am staring at a shooting star. And I just want my last wish to be is that everyone not grieve over Katie and me for the rest of your lives. Yes, I know it’s sad that we’re gone and wont be coming back. But I promise you will see us again. And I want you to know we went out happy. So as my last wish, I want everyone to live a happy and full life. I want you to live what Katie and I were not able to live. Thanks.”

SHE REALLY ISH MEH PRINCESSS!!!

I LOVES YOU MIRAAA UR A GORGEOUS GURL AND I LOVE YOU MORE THEN WORDS CAN PUT. I will always love you no matter what!?!?!? You decerve the world and as far as it goes to me.... u ARE the world

LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

i have blood, bones, organs and skin. i am a human. im jus like you and nothing different. if i were bi or gay, itd be the same. why cant some of you accept that? if i was to tell you this, would you accept me? a simple yes would make me smile. a simple smile would last me a while. thats all i want to know. if you were to accept me for who i was i would love you forever. but if u cant accept me, (even tho the difference is unsistancial) i wouldnt care to much about how we're connencted.

love people for who they are on the inside. what you ahve known them like for all the time youve known them. dont judge them and think that they are a completely different person if they tell you something like this. dont judge them for what they like. dont judge people for what they want to do with their life. its not yours so deal with it.

thats all i ask....

accept....

please! just accept!

im like a virus
back up
go away
u dont want wat i have to give
you dont want wat i have
im contageous
meh sad face spreads to everyone
wth

stay away
go and pray
pray for a different day
when everyone is happy
no more sadenss
no more depression
no more nothing bad

let the shaddows clear to sunshine
let the spirits roam the park
let everyone go back to the way its supposed to be
would n e thing change at all?

am i just writting cuz im bored?
am i just writting cuz i want to talk?
no?
could it be that it wants to be heard and is coming out through meh anxious fingers?

no one could know
,maybe i am just bored.

but then....why would i write THIS particular thing?

OMFG im SO ready for spring!!!

i hate the snow and it needs to die hahaha
i was sooooooooooooooooooo happy this morning when i woke up and opened my window to blue skies, dead green grass and NO SNOW in meh backyard!!! IM SO HAPPY

i hate you snow dont ever come back u evil pile of icey EVILLLLLL

 EVIL SNOW (we got like three or four FEET of the dang stuff!!!! EVILLL)

 EVIL SNOW AGAIN (this one is at meh school bye the tennis courts... i think...)

 EVIL SNOW MOREE (this is meh school again when they attempted to shovel... yeah it didnt work very well and let me tell ya it was HEY EL trying to walk up those stupid stairs a few days later... this was our first snow day out of three) STUPID SNOW im glad ur leaving

 GAHHH DIE ALREADY!!!! (my backyard COVERED in snow... u can c meh school in the background... STILL snowing in this pic)

AND THEN HEAVEN GAVE MERCY ON OUR LIL WORLD....
i woke up this morning to...

 OMFG OMG OMG OMG OMG

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

YEY PLEASE MAKE THE EVIL SNOW STAY AWAY... NO MORE SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASSE

courtney~

OMG i love her so much! i'll always be here for you babie through thick and thin i will always be here!! forever and for always. i mean my god i would do anything for this gurl!!! she is like my best friend and i love her to tears. i would give the clothes off my back to make sure she was warm. i would give her my last cookie when we're both in the middle of no where starving to death. i would give her the last sip of water if we were stranded in the middle of the dessert. i would cut make sure she got out of the car first if we ran our car into the ocean. i LOVE YOU jojo. i love my twin/vampire/muzik princess/emo love doctor!!!! id do anything for you and i hope we remain friends till we DIE!!! ill live for you if u live for me and hold my hand trough thick and thing. LOVE YOU JOLINDA!!!!!!!

love, panicattackemo
or...courtney
or...UR TWINNIEEEE, EMO FAIRY

sickening twists of twirling wind

dripping blood from the sadness within

tears fall into the sunken sea,

that drowns me in the sorrows of self pitty

dark shaddows engulf the happy and leave the dispare

screams and cries for help,

drowned out by the evil hums of the devil around us

the pit of the problem tries to unfold and turn insideout,

causing us to think dark and demolishing thoughts

crushing our hearts till there is nothing but dust slipping through our fingers

the one hand shakes as the metal in its grasps cuts into the skin,

letting the bright red liquid drip all over the floor,

leaving heart shaped stains in the linonlium

whispers of murder echo threw the small neighborhood

ghostly chants can be heard around the gravyard as the clock striks midnight

scratches agains the faces of many

screams and cries for another try at a cry for help

no one comes, no one hears, no one cares

violins play slowly in the distance of our mind

sad songs and tunes of crying drum to the beat of our almost dead hearts

sickening regret floods through the only non filled part of our brains,

 struggling to figure out the truth

they fall to the ground

grasping their hair in their hands,

pulling at it hard to fing some pain to overpower the pain in their hearts

lil lies grow to big ones and hearts are ripped to shreds

love is torn away and all that is left is the cold as marble truth behing the life of many

its over.